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june 15th happy three years! check out the announcement here!
To my first love,
I wasn’t going to do this. I wasn’t going to write a letter to anyone, but my therapist seems to think it’s a good idea. Though I don’t know how reassuring that is seeing as she’s been wrong about somethings, yet right about others. But, she thinks writing down my emotions will help, so here I go.
I think it’s suitable for my first letter to be to you. My first real love. My first true romantic heartbreak. It just seems fitting, you know? Except you won’t know because you’ll never read this. Not just because I don’t have the courage to send you it, but I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to stop loving you because I deserve better. I deserve better than someone who didn’t love me enough to wait for me to be ready for a life changing thing. I deserve better than someone who wouldn’t or couldn’t understand why I wasn’t ready. Why I needed time. I deserve better than someone who wanted this his way, and when they weren’t going his way, he wanted things to end.
I just deserve better.
Writing that and saying it to myself doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t close the gaping hole that’s been left in my heart. It doesn’t stop the crying at night, when I’m trying to fall asleep but my mind takes me other places. It doesn’t stop me from wanting you. It doesn’t stop me reaching for the phone sometimes to text you. It doesn’t stop me from thinking you’d like something, that you’d find it funny. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to curl up in your embrace when I’m having a bad day. You always made things better. You never had to use your words to comfort me, just your presence helped calm the demons in my head.
We weren’t meant to last, though.
I think I’m starting to understand that now. I think I’m starting to understand that we were almost doomed from the start. We started in a tangle of bedsheets. We started out of jealousy and lust. Those things aren’t exactly good foundations for a relationship. I think our journey is proof of that. I know every relationship has its problems. But I don’t think we were exactly right for each other. We clashed too much. You always thought I ran away from fights, when really, I just knew how to pick my fights. I knew that if I didn’t walk away those times I did, we wouldn’t be able to come back from the fight. I retreated from those fights, so we’d have the chance in the future to have more fights.
God, this is turning into a bit of a mess.
I just need to say that I loved you. I would have married you, if I was ready. I would have leapt at the chance to be called Mrs. Riley Samuels. I would have happily walked through life holding your hand, had you proposed at a different time. Had you waited. I would have loved you for the rest of my life. A part of me probably will love you until my dying heartbeat. And I’ll never forget how you were there for me after my mom left. I’ll never forget how you made me feel like I was worth loving. Like I was worth something. I won’t forget those mornings where I’d wake up early and just watch you sleep for a little bit. You were always so peaceful.
I don’t regret any part of our relationship. I don’t regret a single part of it. I think the only thing I regret is that we didn’t have more time. That we didn’t get to explore more of life together, like I had imagined for so many nights. I guess I should’ve learned by now that no matter how certain you are of something, life can always fuck it up for you. I don’t regret you. Or us. I never have and I never will. Even when I’m crying during the night because missing you and loving you hurts too much. I’ll always be thankful for you.
Some part of my heart will always be yours. But our time is over. So, thank you for the time you gave me. Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself.
Now it’s time for me to learn how to love myself. Now it’s time for me to find someone else and for you to find someone else. It’s time we use everything we learnt by loving each other, and use it in loving other people.
I wish we had gotten more time.